Further Up and Further In

Updated: Apr 24, 2020

The Timestamp on my phone currently reads 9:43 pm. It’s Tuesday. I’m ringing in the New Year and the decade with Jesus and my angels because my sister is at a friend’s house. My parents are in bed asleep. I’ve spent the past twenty minutes washing dirty dishes in my sink; in my tiny garage apartment. Here’s the thing, I have to wash my dishes by hand because; I don’t have a dishwasher. As I stood washing my dishes I got to thinking about something. ( I think a lot ).

I’m sitting here on my bed teary, thinking about how many times Father God has washed dishes when I wasn’t looking and without asking. How many times, He’s held my hand in the light; in the dark and, everywhere in between. How many times, He’s smiled while I’ve frowned. How many times He’s held my face in his perfect; calloused; human hands; and, kissed my face all over while my cheeks are soaking wet.

All the times He’s stared me in the face, refusing to change the subject until I burst out laughing. All the times he’s chased me down and held me in a bear hug from all sides; every time I’ve kicked and screamed until I don’t know what I saying anymore. All the times, we have played games and walked through wardrobes it was His idea first, not mine. All the times He’s tucked me into bed when I wasn’t paying attention or was too tired to notice.

All the time, we are in a bookstore and He says to read this; because you need to know this person. or watch this one, I need to tell you something and I want to do it this way. Walk this way, instead of that way because we need to talk something through. You won’t listen clearly if we go the other way. The way that he holds both of my hands because Lord knows, I have never been steady while walking.

My balance has never been great a single day of my life; I trip every single day. I don’t really need any physical proof that angels exist, but I have it in spades. After twenty – three years of life I should have broken a lot of bones; considering how many times I’ve fallen or, almost fallen. But, I haven’t broken a single bone. Angels have caught me before I’ve hit the ground too many times.

The countless times, I lay with my head in his lap because I refuse to put it anywhere else. How many times a day I constantly talk to him because I have no one else to talk to. All the times the Lion walked circles around me to protect me; from something I couldn’t see. All the times I lay face done in His mane; just to breathe. Every time He’s washes dirt and blood off my face without me even realizing it.

When I travel, I often have to kneel while taking a shower. No accessible bathroom. I continually find myself pondering every single time someone sits at His feet; with their head in His lap simply, because, it’s the calmest place to be. But it is also the riskiest place to be.

All the times, He readjusts the crown on my head because it has somehow become off-kilter. All of the times, He drenches me in holy olive oil; and, covers my hands in the inkwells of heaven to tell me what He says. The endless times I’ve said, I love at various volumes. I love you so much more comes back to me; every single time; without fail.

All of the moments he holds my chin gently and says, look at me. Look at me. It’s just you and me; no one else. He can have 2020 because he already has it. I don’t want to give it to anyone else; but, Him.


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